Lose-win：委曲求全的受气包人生

One teen wrote:<br><br>　　“I, for one, am a big peacemaker1. I would much rather take the blame for just about anything than get into an argument. I constantly find myself saying that I am dumb...”<br><br>　　Do you find yourself identifying with this statement? If so, you have fallen into the trap of Lose-Win. Lose-Win looks prettier on the surface, but it&#39;s just as dangerous as Win-Lose. <br><br>　　Lose-Win is weak. It&#39;s easy to get stepped on. It&#39;s easy to be the nice guy. It&#39;s easy to give in, all in the name of being a peacemaker. It&#39;s easy to let your parents have their way with you rather than try to share your feelings with them.<br><br>　　With a Lose-Win attitude you&#39;ll find yourself setting low expectations and compromising2 your standards again and again. Giving in to peer3 pressure is Lose-Win. Perhaps you don&#39;t want to ditch school4, but the group wants you to. So you give in. What&#39;s happened? Well, you lost and they won. That&#39;s called Lose-Win.<br><br>　　A girl named Jenny once told me about her wanderings in the world of Lose-Win during her eighth-grade year before she finally broke free:<br><br>　　My problems with my mom all started one day when she said to me sarcastically5? “Wow? you＇re sure sassy6 today.” I took it so literally7 that then and there I decided to close off from her and never talk back to her. I began faking the respect and authority she wanted. So every time she would say something? even if I disagreed with her? I would just say? “Okey? whatever you want? Mom.” Half the time she didn＇t even know that things were bothering me because I wouldn＇t tell her.<br><br>　　But it really got cold quickly. And my resentment began to build. One night I had just finished talking to my mom about a school assignment to which she said? “Oh? that＇s nice?” and then went back to mopping the floor.<br><br>　　“Don＇t you even care﹖” I thought. But I didn＇t say anything and stormed off8. She had no idea I was even upset. She would have been willing to talk to me had I told her how important it was to me. But it seemed that I was eager to be a victim and to take whatever she dished out.<br><br>　　Eventually? I just blew up. “Mom? this has got to change. I can＇t handle you anymore. You tell me everything you want me to do and I just do it because it＇s easier than fighting. Well? I＇m sick of it.” I spilled9 my guts and let her know about all the feelings I had been harboring10 inside. This all came as a surprise to her.<br><br>　　After my blowup11? it was really rocky for a while. We felt like we were starting all over in our relationship. But it＇s getting better all the time. We discuss things now? and I always share my feelings with her.<br><br>　　If you adopt Lose-Win as your basic attitude toward life, then people will wipe their dirty feet on you. And that&#39;s a real bummer12. You&#39;ll also be hiding your true feelings deep inside. And that&#39;s not healthy.<br><br>　　There is a time to lose, of course. Lose-Win is just fine if the issue isn&#39;t that important to you, like if you and your sister can&#39;t agree on who gets which side of the closet or if your mom doesn&#39;t like the way you hold your fork. Let others win the little issues. Just be sure you take a stand on the important things.<br><br>　　If you&#39;re trapped in an abusive relationship, you&#39;re deep into Lose-Win. Abuse is a never-ending cycle of hurt and reconciliation, hurt and reconciliation. It never gets better. There&#39;s no win in it for you whatsoever13, and you need to get out. Don&#39;t think that somehow the abuse is your fault or that somehow you deserve to be abused. That&#39;s how a doormat thinks. No one deserves to be abused, ever. <br> <br> <br> <br> <br>Lose-win：委曲求全的受气包人生  <br>　　有位少年写道：<br><br>　　“就我来说，我是个超级和事佬。我宁愿把一切责任揽到头上，也没想过去和别人争论。 我老骂自己是个大笨蛋……” <br><br>　　你是否发现自己也认同这一说法? 如果是这样，你就掉进了损己利人的陷阱。表面上看，损己利人更“体面”。但是，这和损人利己同样危险。 <br><br>　　损己利人是懦弱的表现，别人随便就能踩你一脚。做个老好人，容易。以老好人的名义妥协，分分钟的事。让父母驾驭你的思想，而不去尝试与他们沟通，轻而易举。<br><br>　　但是，损己利人，你会发现自己定的期待值会很低，处世原则也会一再妥协。损己利人，你会屈服于同伴的压力。也许你不想逃学，但大伙儿希望你逃。于是你做出让步。结果呢？得，你输了，他们赢了。这就是所谓的“损己利人”。 <br><br>　　一位叫詹妮的女孩，讲述了她读八年级时徘徊在“损己利人”的泥潭中、直到最后才得以解脱的事： <br><br>　　有一天，妈妈挖苦我说： “你今天真时髦。”问题就出在那一天：我当真了，随即决定从此向她关闭心扉，也不和她顶嘴了。我开始装出尊敬她、对她言听计从的样子。因此呢，每一次，不管她说什么，哪怕我不赞成，我也会说：“行，您说怎样就怎样吧，妈妈。”相当长一段时间，她甚至不知道她说的事很烦我，因为我不愿意告诉她。<br><br>　　但是，事情很快就搞僵了，我的不满慢慢淤积起来。一天夜里，我跟妈妈谈起学校里的功课，她听后只是淡淡说了一句：“嗯，不错”，然后继续拖地去了！ <br><br>　　我心想：“您就一点都不关心吗？”但是，我嘴里什么都没说，气冲冲地走了。她根本就不晓得我心里有多烦。本来呢，要是我跟她讲讲这件事的重要性，她肯定愿意跟我聊下去的。 但是，我更愿意做个牺牲品，她嘴里蹦出什么我都认了。 <br><br>　　最后，我终于爆发了。“妈妈，咱们得改一改了。我不想再应付你了。你叫我干啥我就干啥，因为这比反抗来得容易。得，我烦死了。”我把五肺六腑都倒了出来，就想要她知道我内心真实的感受。这让她大吃一惊。<br><br>　　我爆发之后，有一阵子关系还真僵。我们都觉得母女关系要推倒重来，但现在一切都在朝好的方面发展。现在，我们凡事一起商量，我总是让她了解我的芯酢?<br><br>　　如果你在生活中采取损己利人的态度，那么别人就会把你当门垫，拿你去蹭他们的脏脚。这才真叫人烦呢。你的真实感情还要深藏不露，这于健康也不利。 <br><br>　　当然，有时候我们需要妥协。对于无足轻重的事——例如，你和妹妹在分衣柜时存在分歧，或者妈妈不喜欢你们拿餐叉的样子——损己利人又何妨？小事让别人赢。事件的关键是：在重大问题上站稳立场。 <br><br>　　如果掉进了自虐的陷阱，你就会深陷损己利人的泥潭不能自拔。自虐是一个没完没了的恶性循环：受伤，让步，再受伤再让步……事情永远没有转机。对你来说，永远没有赢的时候。你需要从中解脱出来，不要认为横竖都是你的错，以为自己横竖活该。门口的擦鞋垫就是这么想的。没有人该受虐待，永远没有。